i won't let go...even if you say so, oh no

so much homework and i haven’t gotten very far into it.
i want the weekend to come, but that means going to work.

i had a groupon e-mailed to me that i really want.

$3,000 gets you a full invisalign treatment. that’s like half of what it normally would be. since i want to pay for it myself, this is most ideal.

i’ve got three days left to decide.

hm.

anyway, i want to do some art but i’m too swamped with academics. man, in this respect i really miss art school.

i am not beautiful, nor funny, nor charming, nor talented.
i feel i merely exist.

this might make me the epitome of selfishness, but ultimately, it’s what we all want.
to be liked. to be beautiful. to be wanted. to be successful.

truthfully, i am always grappling with the way my life is and the way i always thought it should be. the two are nothing alike.

i’m on the verge of my 22nd birthday and i feel more isolated and worthless than i ever have.

i am in a perpetual state of aloneness.
repeat. 

it’s been so long since i’ve written. i’m not sure where to begin, really.

obviously, i left minneapolis for good. lots of factors in that decision. i can’t believe an entire school year has gone by since i did that. ended up going back to community college. i’m on a 5 year path through college, ha. but i think i’m alright with that. most days anyway. i’ll be going away again in a few weeks although this time not so far. i’ll be home frequently enough to not miss out on anything much. can’t believe saffi is going to be three pretty soon.

reading my previous entries, it is pretty obvious how much drama and pain was going on in my life at the time. not much has changed, but i feel more numb to it now and i guess this time you won’t find me being all spastic or annoying about it.

i’m sort of at a crossroads relationship-wise. it’s pretty hard because i don’t have any friends anymore. not that that is anything recent; it’s been that way for a couple of years now. i do have a few people i can call up and hang out with every few weeks, but not like i used to. i don’t have really good girl friends who know my whole deal in and out. no one to vent to, really. maybe i’m depending on him for too many things. i want it to be like this and this and that. and it’s not enough because there are several gaping holes that can only be filled with other sorts of relationships that i am missing. not really too sure what else is going on though. hard to figure whether it’s me, him, the distance, or just growing apart from the 2 years and odd handful of months we’ve been together. all i know is that i’m done trying to pick everything apart and i’m just trying to go with the flow. the dramatic emotions don’t really do anything except cause extreme highs and lows and though i know i’ve said some things i didn’t mean, there has been a ring or truth to the thoughts i’ve been thinking lately. the “maybe it’s not meant to be’s” and such. don’t get me wrong…i am pretty scared, but i don’t know what else to do. i can’t close the gap between us. i can’t undo the hurt feelings. i can’t shake him out of whatever sort of rut he’s in. 

then there is the other concern that this isn’t what i should be focusing on at this time in my life. there is so much going on with college and career and personal family stuff. it’s hard to juggle all of it. i know it’s the same way with him too. but i am practically drowning in it all still living at home. it’s hard for me to see what i should be doing and what should be put aside. i have a hard time putting emotional things aside in favor of pressing life decisions, etc. probably one of the reasons i transferred back here practically on a whim.

all this to say i really don’t know what the hell to do anymore.